Thoughts: Madame Web

I know very little about comic books. Most of what I know is from the Marvel Studios films, so that means I have an extremely basic grasp on who these people are and what they do. That means that the extended universe of Spider-Man films that Sony continues to release (Venom, Morbius, etc.) are completely devoid of context for me. They are independent from the “MCU,” as it were, and this just confuses me.

The latest in Sony’s effort to remind audiences “we’re the Spider-Man people, really!” is somehow just as baffling as those Disney-backed movies, but maybe more fun? That doesn’t mean it’s good, though. Madame Web ties an awful script to some seriously confusing action to form a weird, uncomfortable mess of a movie.

In case you missed the memes, Dakota Johnson stars as Cassie, the titular Madame Web, the daughter of a researcher who died while giving birth to her while studying spiders in the Amazon. Due to the circumstances of her birth (they’re stupid), she has spider powers. However, the movie goes to some astonishing lengths to establish all the things she can’t do: She can’t climb on walls, she doesn’t have super strength. She does, however, have a Spidey-Sense a legally distinct ability to briefly see the future. It’s extremely convenient. In fact, Madame Convenient Knowledge might be a better name for Cassie’s alter ego.

Yep, that’s it— she can occasionally see the future. That’s it. Oh, and maybe stay alive under water for longer than the average person? This is not explained. But this power helps her save her life multiple times, as well as the lives of three teenage girls who fall under her purview, for reasons (they’re stupid reasons). The three of them are apparently future Spider-themed superheroes, too? They’re all being targeted by another guy with Spider powers, but he’s a bad guy. You can tell from the murders he commits and the impossibly hard to pin down accent.

Yes, even though everything happening on screen and everything any character was saying was objectively awful, I still found myself enjoying Madame Web. A lot of my joy was found in Dakota Johnson’s performance. It’s bad, yes, but it’s bad in a galaxy brain, “I am floating above this movie from space” kind of way. She’s in some Keanu Reeves-style zen state for the whole two hours. Whether she’s saying priceless lines like “Don’t do anything dumb! Don’t do any dumb things!” or forgetting how to open a can of soda TWICE, it’s a beautiful sight to behold.

So yeah, it’s bad. But I can’t think of any better way I could have spent my Saturday afternoon. Your mileage may vary, but know this: The characters literally go to a fireworks factory at some point. I’m not making this up.